Disclaimer * Ginny, her family, Harry, etc., all belong to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, and Warner Bros.
A/N * Incredibly enough, this fanfic is dedicated to my newest aunt, who is far more trusting of the teacher i love to hate than i am; without her, this story would not have taken the direction it did, and i rejoice that the second greatest gift in the universe is soon to be hers again.
"If you find my beloved one, tell him that I am sick with love." (Song of Songs 5:6b)
It was with a heavy heart but grim determination that Harry closed his trunk and took in the sight of the round room for the last time. He did not know if he would ever stand here again. He did not know if he would ever return to Hogwarts or that he would ever finish his education. He wasn't sure about a lot of things, and he certainly didn't feel optimistic at the moment. Even though all of his belongings were safely packed away in his trunk, he wasn't ready to leave. It was with a heavy heart that he followed Ron and Hermione down through the common room, out the portrait hole, down the stairs, through the entrance hall, past the still broken hourglass, outside to where the Thestrals stood. Hermione let out a gasp of surprise and hid her face in Ron's shoulder. Ron had turned white as a sheet and was moving his mouth, open and shut, as if he were so shocked that he wasn't quite sure what to say. A lot of the students were white and staring at the creatures distrustfully, but many more still could not see them.Harry gazed around the grounds for a moment before he moved to get into the carriage. The Giant Squid was sunbathing near the edge of the Great Lake, several tentacles raised as if to say goodbye. Smoke curled from Hagrid's chimney, the palominos and blue carriage waiting nearby, but his home was still missing large parts of its roof. The spot where his first walk with Ginny had ended was away, across the lake, empty. And the place their relationship had ended... a hot lump formed in Harry's throat as he gazed at the white tomb as it gleamed alone in the sun. Filch glared at Harry as if he had no right to take in all of these sights one last time, and Harry moved to join his friends in the carriage to Hogsmeade Station.
No one spoke in the carriage or as they got on the train except to greet Neville and Luna when they joined them in their compartment. Conversation was, for the most part, forced. Harry could feel the gazes of his friends on him, but he did not meet their looks of concern and curiousity. Sometime after the trolley came Luna put down her sideways copy of the Quibbler:
"I do hope Ginny wasn't left behind," she said with the most concern that Harry had ever seen her muster.
"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Ginny since the funeral, have you?" Ron asked, turning to Harry, who swallowed uneasily:
"We've broken it off," he mumbled, pocketing a Dumbledore Chocolate Frog card. "I expect she's sitting with some other friends." Ron laughed, then froze when he saw that Harry was serious:
"What?!?" he exclaimed, suddenly on his feet.
"We both agreed that it's for the best until... until I deal with some things." This seemed to calm Ron down, as he and Hermione exchanged knowning looks, and then his friend sat down again, slumping in despair.
"I hope you know what you're doing mate," Ron intoned. "Ginny can be dangerous to cross and..." he cleared his throat, blushing slightly, "well, that is to say, I just don't want you to do anything you'll regret."
"It's just too dangerous right now, okay?!?" Harry shot back crossly. Neville cleared his throat:
"You know Harry," he stated quietly, "if you ever need any help... What I mean to say is, we're behind you."
"Yes," Luna agreed. "We've always believed in you no matter what the Daily Prophet says."
"Thanks," Harry mumbled, suddenly feeling bad that he'd lost his temper with Ron. He didn't know what else to say. He couldn't bear to join their conversations, their renewed banter, and found the compartment to be stifling. He couldn't act like everything was all right when it obvously wasn't. It was impossible to ignore the thoughts that echoed in his mind: Dumbledore is dead... the Horcrux is fake... I cannot be with Ginny, each fact piling on top of one another and threatening to drown him. It became too much for him to bear, he could hardly stand to be locked in... he jumped to his feet suddenly and lunged for the door that led into the corridor. It slid shut behind him, quickly shutting out his friends' questions of concern. He began walking.
He hadn't had any destination in mind. He walked quickly from car to car, past compartment after compartment, grateful that no one tried to stop him to talk. He didn't stop until he reached the end of the train and had nowhere else to go. He gazed out the window in the door, watching the countryside fall away from him, watching the tracks take him farther and farther away from the only real home he had ever known.
A door slid open beside him as someone came out of the w.c. He turned to find himself face to face with the last person he wanted to see right now: Ginny Weasley. Her face was red and swollen, still wet with tears. He was suddenly overwhelmed with even more guilt: Ginny had made him so happy the past weeks and he had dumped her without even properly explaining. He didn't know how to tell her the truth without putting her in danger. He turned to leave but only got a few steps before her voice stopped him in his tracks:
"Harry, why are you breaking up with me?" Ginny asked, her voice filled with doubt. He found he couldn't turn to face her.
"I told you, it's not safe," he answered quietly.
"Harry, Malfoy and Snape already know that we're together, what's to stop them from informing Tom just because you've decided to break up with me now?" Harry found that he didn't have an answer to this. But he couldn't bear the thought of losing Ginny to their hatred and schemes; he knew Voldemort would try to get to her if he could, if he thought there was the slightest chance that she knew... "Mum and Dad have both made it clear that they won't support Voldemort, doesn't that make me just as much as a target as you?"
"No, it doesn't," he answered quickly.
"Why..."
"It just doesn't," he cut her off. "Voldemort has it in for me in particular. Snape made it clear that he's under orders not to touch me: Voldemort wants to deal with me himself." Ginny let out a sob, though he couldn't tell if it was in fear or sorrow.
"But why?" she asked. Harry didn't answer. He desperately wanted to spare her the pain of knowing what he had to do, the life he had to lead in order to defeat Voldemort, the dreadful truth that he was forced to live with.
And suddenly Ginny grabbed him from behind. She spun him around and pinned him to the wall, forcing him to look at her. Harry was so startled that he hadn't had time to resist: "Why won't you tell me the truth?" she demanded, her quivering wand poking him in the chin. Ginny didn't wait for him to answer, she pressed on: "You tell Ron and Hermione everything but are forever hiding it from me." Ginny's voice broke. Her wand fell to the ground, forgotten, and she stood before him, bereft. "I don't know where you're going or what you know or why this has to be, all I know is that you don't trust me and I don't need another mother. If you've only decided that you don't want to be with me anymore..." she buried her face in his chest, her hands still holding onto his cloak with a death grip. Something in Harry broke at Ginny's insinuation:
"I do trust you," he tried to reassure her.
"Then stop trying to protect me," she wailed. "Stop hiding from me and treating me the same way everyone else does! Why am I always forced to remain behind and be treated like a little girl?" she resumed her sobbing in his chest. His thoughts flew to Dean and why she had broken up with him. He suddenly knew that he could not hide everything from her, not if he ever expected to get her back.
"How can I tell you the truth when it's the reason I'm so scared for you?" he asked her quietly. Ginny lifted her head, her eyes meeting his, wide in surprise at the honesty in his expression.
Despite his best efforts, Harry couldn't help but feel incredibly turned on by Ginny's proximity. He would have liked nothing better than to throw caution to the wind and kiss her until all his worries melted into oblivion... He had never felt like this before, had never wanted to be with a girl so badly that it hurt. But it wasn't just the physical attraction, it was so much more. He felt like he was being pulled apart by one of Filch's beloved torture devices: he didn't want to leave Ginny but even more... "I can't bear to think of losing you, Ginny. That's why I don't want you to come with us: not because I don't think you can hold your own, but because I can't deal with the possibility of you being in danger. I cannot fight him if I am distracted. I have to go, but I don't have to put you in harm's way and lose you forever."
Ginny looked shocked senseless. Harry didn't want to go on, but he found he couldn't stop: "How can you not understand that I would give anything to be with you, to be able to get away from all of this and take care of you, build a normal life, raise a family, and grow old together, but I can't have any of those things, not while he is still alive!"
Harry's voice caught in his throat. He tried to compose himself, tried to explain, his every word now begging her to understand: "If he were to find out that you--that anyone--knows the truth, then Voldemort will torture each and every one of you for the information. The only defense we have is that he doesn't even know if I know the truth. While the truth is hidden there's still a chance." Comprehension dawned in Ginny's eyes:
"The prophecy?" she looked as if she hardly dare breathe. Harry didn't reply at first, suddenly cautious again:
"He doesn't know anything for certain, only guesses," Harry told her, "but he will stop at nothing to get it."
Ginny let go of his robes and looked at him so sadly, not in pity, but with the same heartbreak that he felt. She reached out to him, but seemed uncertain if she should touch him, the tears starting to pour down her face again.
"Oh, Harry," she whispered. "You do not have to tell me. I already know, have always known: only you can defeat him." She wiped the tears from her eyes and turned away from him, her chin held high: "I want you to know that I would go with you if you would let me. I would do all that I can to help you, to share your burden, even give my life. But I can't force you to accept what I'm willing to give you: I'll let you go if that's what you want."
And suddenly Harry felt as if his heart was being ripped out, to watch the woman he loved turn away, to tell him to leave her. Is this what she felt? He didn't know how to breathe, how to exist, when he felt so much joy and pain and hope and hopelessness all at once. A dry, choked sob racked his body, all he could manage in order to express an iota of the passion that he was feeling,
"Ginny?" he asked. He suddenly didn't know what to do. He had made his choice, but was it the right one? Ginny wouldn't answer him. There was nothing he could do. Fighting against every fiber of his being, Harry turned and ran.
Chapter Two - Waiting Lumos Nox ~ source ~ rogue.fire.angel@gmail.com
560 since 03 - 29 - 06 ~ fic completed 08 - 15 - 05 ~ final edit 11 - 11 - 06